Missing God. . .

Tonight was wonderfully inspiring.
i have allowed God to sit on the back burner for far too long. It is one thing to believe or not to believe, each person has to make their own decision about that. It is completely different to believe and not to do anything with it.
i wish that i was a better orator. More often than not i am ill-prepared, when i am not ill-prepared i am absent (or wandering) minded. When i am not that i am just hopelessly lost in life. Tonight it fell on me to "moderate" and i was the perfect mix of all of these things. In the long run the conversation went directions that i didn't intend, and probably i said things that the were interpreted completely differently than i planned. In the long run i drew out of it as much and perhaps more than some of the others. i definitely didn't intend to make it about me. . . but i think that is where it went. Some good statements were made though. Really they were truths that i have thought about for a long time that finally got verbalized in a great way (i didn't say any of them - that was icing on the cake).
The Church is the gathering of disciples of Jesus. We come together to share how Jesus is moving in our lives - and that encourages us, and iron sharpens iron. This being a new and enlightened age perhaps it should be titanium sharpens titanium.
After we fell to chaos (we were done talking anyway) i was taking out the compost from the kitchen, and i sang. It was the first time that i have worshiped -really worshiped- in a long time. i forgot that i missed it. i forgot that i missed God. i know that i am not a disciplined man. i know that there is so much of me that is not broken. i know that there is so much of me that will never be broken because i am not disciplined enough to be broken.
i have found that as i seek God through being the Church, rather than being part of a greater organized collective. Not that there is anything wrong with belonging to the organization, i simply have found a glass barrier that needs to be conquered so as to find a new depth to God. It is hard though to find the balance of living and belonging. Maybe that doesn't make any sense. . . i don't know.
i do know that i miss God, but he has never been farther than right there, i just have to open my eyes and love
On a closing thought. . . the garden wasn't wholly unproductive. Yummy goodness lurking in our backyard. i enjoy finding God here at home. Peace, Love Joy, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness and Self control. . . and sewing, hoeing, growing, and just sitting back and watching in amazement at all creation.
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