Somedays it rains. . .

Today was just a rush of emotions as it seems many days are recently. Good, bad and a blur of everything in between. i have always been a bit skeptical about spiritual warfare things. . .frankly many have turned it into a fantasy scape goat and blame it for a whole host of problems that could probably be better blamed on other things (or people).

i was pooped when i got home this morning, but we needed to weed in order to find the corn. Too many weekends filled with other distractions are exactly what weeds like. . . that and all of the rain. i opted to sleep first and weed later. When i got up, i dilly dallied a bit, but finally made it outside with Jacob. We barely got to the end of the row to start weeding when the heavens opened up and the lightening came down all around us, so we opted to go back in. The woods behind the house were struck. . .again. Tomorrow maybe we will try and find the tree that was hit this time. And of course we will weed!!

i was contacted again by an old acquaintance who i also consider to be a friend though we barely know each other. In thinking about it i like the distance but also closeness. She has spent a considerable amount of time in Ireland doing missionary work in spite of a whole host of personal struggles including a pretty heinous illness. But still she trucks along because that is what God would have her do. i am both humbled and inspired by her. Half of the time i can barely keep my focus on God long enough to blink. When i do succeed in finding quality time with God i usually squander it foolishly only to feel a bit depressed about my pathetic state of being and how i have waisted a tremendous amount of time.

i see needs in the world and my heart breaks (pretty regularly), and yet i can not distinguish between faith and irresponsibility. That is where i think i am caught in some crazy spiritual vortex. Isn't there something about a man tossed about like a wave in the sea. . .

Lack of faith? Lack of bravery?? Lack of vision??? Who knows. . . This i do know, it's harder when there are more of you (like a family, or a community) that you have to put first. God grant direction and peace. . . and some snippet of certainty.